There are so many things I have to write about at the moment. As the end of ‘wet season’ comes to an end ( what a joke , I think it rained 5 times ?! ) the crocs up here in the topend are moving around more and can be found just about anywhere you turn. So there have been ‘ croc attacks’ ( one guy got bitten on the head apparently , but still survived to tell the NT news all about it another guy appeared on the front page last week after he was ‘attacked’ by a croc which was all of 1 meter long .. ) and heaps of croc sightings . But I have been too busy dealing with my own life threatening situations to think up witty blog posts to go with the above news stories.
It all started with this:
Now we don’t normally go around shooting snakes , but this bugger was headed for Chaos’s bed and the outside loo so he had to go . Luckily for us Maisy is more switched on than Chaos and went banana’s when she saw the snake. Chaos just kept snorin’ away in ignorant bliss …..
Unfortunately Maisy wasn’t so bright a few nights later when what I thought was a bikini string came to life on my kitchen floor
I had just put Marli down and walked into the kitchen on my way to the toilet. I noticed a shiny looking string on the tiles and thought it had come out of a dress or bikini top. But something made me stop when I went to pick it up. So I stood on the other side of the kitchen and threw random crap from the kitchen bench at it until it jumped and started slithering towards me with its head raised looking a tad bit pissed off ….. This is the point when I realized just because I live in the bush doesn’t mean I am any good at dealing with situations that involve venomous animals. So I ran outside in my knickers and called Dave who was never going to be able to help because he was on the other side of the country at a wedding. So I yelled at him for 5 minutes , hung up , called a girlfriend who had just finished a massive Sunday session and could not legally drive anywhere. Out of options I called the pub up the road and luckily for me the barmaid felt sorry for me and sent her boyfriend over to get rid of the snake ( which turned out to be called a Bandy Bandy ).
The boyfriend tried to remove the snake without killing it but by this stage it was well and truly pissed off and ended up getting decapitated.
Not even two weeks later my mother flew up to help out with Marli and after a shopping trip we were walking across the lawn when I noticed the stick I was about to step on had eyes …. My Mum was so brave , she grabbed a crow bar and smacked it over the back but we’re not sure if she killed it or not because it freaked out and headed for the garden bed … I haven’t seen it since …..
Today was a proud day for the Northern Territory. A day that I’m predicting will spark many , many arguments between North Queensland and the Top end of the Northern Territory. No it’s not the election , no one gives a rats arse about that , it is the news that Filipino croc Lolong has gone to crocodile heaven ( ew can you imagine that for a moment … nope not a happy place … ) and left ‘our’ Cassius (pictured) with the title of the Worlds Largest Croc in captivity. The fact that Cassius lives and has lived in Queensland since 1987 is not important to the Northern Territory. What is important is that it was here he was found chewing on boat propellers and other non appropriate food items before being shipped off to spend the rest of his life in a small swimming pool on Green Island , North Queensland. It will be interesting to see how the Queensland media responds to the NT laying claim to the croc they refer to as a ‘Queenslander’ – watch this space !
Picture credit : Courier Mail ( Brisbane )
Top Picture credit http://www.news.com.au
Since , as I explained in my last post , I am officially brain-dead due to pregnancy and extreme heat I have decided to entertain you all with my favorite headlines from the Northern Territory so far this year ….
First up , when watermelons can be dangerous ……
After arguing with the bus driver over the fare , the man was kicked off the bus but not before he smashed a watermelon over the bus driver’s head in front of his 4 kids who I’m guessing also missed out on the bus ride thanks to their awesome Dad …..
But the next day the bus driver had the last laugh !
Also on the subject of using food as weapons , a pensioner who had his parking skills criticized by a truck driver (who according to the NT news had commented “nice park cockhead “) lost the plot and threw his iced coffee at the bloke before laying into him with his fists . The pensioner was charged with assault after he contacted the truckies workplace to complain .. maybe he should have kept his mouth shut because he was the one who ended up in court with a 2 month suspended sentence ….
Maybe all this aggro is due to the extreme heat we have been dealing with for the last 5 months … I will leave you all with this article which justifies my laziness and the general public’s ‘Mango Madness’ …. We are goin’ troppo up here in the tropics !!!!!
I will be back soon with some more crazy Territory shizzle , hopefully we get a Croc story this week its been a while !
*Articles from http://www.ntnews.com.au
I have been out of the ‘bush’ for 6 weeks now .. and still hate the traffic !! I arrived in Melbourne over a week ago to start the Christmas celebrations with my family(s) . Over a week and a half we celebrate with 3 Christmas dinners – I’m going to look like a stuffed Turkey by New Years Eve !! As I haven’t been in the Territory for 6 weeks I haven’t had much to report on Kels Gone Bush but I can tell you if you are trying to get in or out of East Arnhem Land this week you will have to take a boat with you just in case !! Yep it is officially wet season and the rains are a comin !! Dave was supposed to hit Darwin last night after leaving Gove NT yesterday in our land cruiser ute with his tinny on the back. I received a frantic call from one of his mates this morning , who told me that Dave had called him at 1am from the satellite phone and before he could figure out what Dave was saying the phone died. Awesome news when you are in Melbourne and can do absolutely nothing about the situation ! After calling the bush police and sending a few Facebook messages to locals in Gove we finally heard from him at 2pm as he was arriving in Katherine NT. He thought we were both bloody idiots for worrying but even though he is one of the most capable males I have met , he is still human and those river crossings are not the safest in Australia – if only because of the flash flooding and oodles of crocodiles !! Any-hoo he made it out alive which is all I care about at this point.
* Taken on the central Arnhem Hwy last year for the NT News http://www.ntnews.com.au
I will be flying back to the Territory on Boxing day and cant wait to bring you all another year of crazy sh*t from the outback I have big plans for Kels Gone Bush next year and am hoping that the baby motivates me more than stops me from carrying them out. Until then I wish you all a VERY Merry Christmas , and a safe one … Bring on 2013 it is going to be even bigger and better !!!! Love to everyone Xx Kel
In true Territory style , the under 12 Litchfeild Bears Rugby team celebrated the fact they have made it to the semi finals this year with a pool party – and among the guests was a 11-year-old 2 meter long saltwater croc called Snappy. The kids had the time of their lives swimming with a real live croc who had his snout safely shut with rubber bands . Poor Snappy tried to hide in the deep end ( he must love under 12 rugby teams about as much as I do ..) but the kids were not going to let him get away easily , diving down and pushing the pissed off croc back up to the surface . According to one of the parents , the kids “loved it , everyone had big smiles on”…. well except Snappy who probably would have been smiling if those rubber bands slipped off his snout !!
Pic and info : http://www.ntnews.com.au
If you were to believe the NT news that is ! I must admit where would this blog be without them ? Last week it was spa bathing buffalo , this week its a couch lovin’ pig !
As always when I arrive for work each morning at Hot 100 I collect the morning papers to hand out to all the freebie huntin’ masses of Darwin. I flick through the paper while I wait for the station to call for my location . Today when I got to page 3 I absolutley pissed myself laughing ….
This furniture lovin’ piggy was spotted yesterday in a suburb of Darwin having sex with an armchair in the middle of the road. Now this sort of thing happens all the time out in the bush , but Darwin is a ‘capital city’ as one witness told the paper ( calling Darwin a city might be going a little far – maybe one day but I’m pretty sure to be a city you need to have shitloads of people living there). Last year the NT news ran a story about Horny Harry , a pet pig living in the community of Gunbalanya , NT who had a loving relationship with wheelie bins and thinks he is a camp dog … Harry’s owner caught the piglet 2 or 3 years ago as a pet for his daughter. He maintains Harry is just an ordinary pig who sometimes knocks over bins . Another resident added in “yeah and then he fucks ‘em”. Charming !
Harry Trotter and his pack of adoring camp dogs PIC : MICHAEL FRANCHI www.ntnews.com.au
Todays front page of the NT News www.ntnews.com.au
The northern Territory is a magical place full of awesome landscapes , beautiful sunsets , golden opportunities and some fucking crazy animals.
The other day , a couple in Howard Springs , just south of Darwin , woke to find a water buffalo roaming around their property. Despite being pretty bloody dangerous , this buff seemed quiet tame and the lady of the house was able to pat the beast .. well until it started headbutting her as what she hoped was a sign of affection ….
After a while they had to head off to work and assumed the Buffalo had left the property by the time they arrived home.
They arrived home that evening to find the Buff had taken a fancy to their spa !
This seems to happen a lot up here , animals thinking that if its good enough for humans then they should get a go too . Earlier this year I wrote a post about a croc who broke into the living room of a Darwin based family and 2 years ago a croc was found in another family’s outdoor spa.
So the moral of the story is be very wary entering your home or your pool if you live in the Territory – you never know what might be lurking in there !
Pic : wallcoo.net
I thought I owed it to you guys to bring you the conclusion to the story of the bloke who shoved a lit fire cracker in his bum not so long ago. It was reported in the NT News today that he would not be charged for the incident as the police feel he has suffered enough – for once I agree with them. I am really thinking about contacting this guy for a kel style interview but I’m not sure how he will react – apparently he is not keen on any interviews about the firecracker in the bum thing. Not sure why …
Moving right along we had another classic NT news story today. The headline was – I kid you not – ” Man bites croc on snout after croc bites another mans head” Some men were fishing in croc infested waters and one was in the water doing god knows what ( I’m not into fishing , can you tell ??) when a croc leaped out of the water and grabbed him by the head pulling him under the waves. The rest of the story involves one of his mates biting the reptile on the snout whilst his other mate stabbed the croc repeatedly with a screw driver as the croc kept losing and then regaining his grip on the poor fisherman who was in the middle of all the drama. In the end the croc gave up and swam off to eat a barramundi or something and the injured fisherman lived to see another day , surprisingly with all his limbs intact.
Just another day in the Northern Territory !
The Territory news has spent the last 2 days keeping us informed of some very important news. Nothing to do with the Olympics by the way , much more newsworthy stuff than that ..
Maybe instead of trying to explain this amazing , cant-believe-its-not-global news I’ll just show you the front page of today’s paper :
Yep , this guy is the territory’s latest candidate for a Darwin award.
In his own words 23 yr old Alex Bowden told the NT news ” I just had a few beers with the boys and let off a few fire crackers ……. And then I decided to put one in my arse”.
What a bloody great idea ? Why the hell have I never thought of doing this party trick myself …
Anyway he did let the NT news know that there wasn’t any major damage “It didn’t burn my balls or my back , just my fingers and my arse”.
He said he did not bleed and could walk afterwards .. Oh and it was also reported in the article that he didn’t cry but he did say fuck a few times.
Gotta love the NT news. Meanwhile I have no idea what is happening in London apart from the 4 Aussie blokes coming 4th in the relay swimming heat and crying about it. Hey guys , try having a fire cracker shoved up your arse !!
This is your nutty reporter signing off , have an awesome week people xx
- A Very Lucky Escape (kelsgonebush.com)
My friends from WA , Kristy (pictured) and Leah found some of Darwin’s hottest bachelor’s !!!
Sorry I have not been very punctual with the crazy pics – they are supposed to be published weekly and I think I have missed the last 2 weeks all together !! Well I do have my reason’s…
A) In order to write this blog I need to get out there and do shit so I can write about it .. otherwise I may as well just post link’s to a NT tourism site and be done with it ..
B) I am still hard at work getting my event planning bizo up and running ( hard when everyone around you run’s on Territory Time ).
C) I have decided to take a fellow blogger’s advice ( Kathy from Reinventing the Event Horizon) who suggested after a post I wrote that I turn my stories into a book .. which isn’t quite happening yet however I have written 1034 words so far , so , you know , I’m on my way
As well as all this soon I plan to have a Vlog section of my blog which will basically show me , making a dick of myself , in front of the entire world .. lucky for me I’m willing to sacrifice my dignity for my art :p I also haven’t forgotten my promise (threat) to start publishing recipe’s .. this WILL happen as soon as I get my appetite back ( I have been a bit crook over the past few days – the last thing I felt like doing was cooking). So keep an eye out for Croc Kebabs and Roo Burgers coming soon …..
Ok so I probably sound like I’m taking on way too much at once but that’s how I roll .. Life would be too bloody boring otherwise