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Australian

Skimpy – Explained


Its ten days until the official release of my book , Skimpy ; Outrageous true tales of crocs , snakes and pulling beers in the Topend through Hachette Australia and excited is one word to describe how I’m feeling at the moment. After 2 years of tweaking , and wondering if my efforts would ever see the light of day , the last few months have been a whirlwind. Which is probably why I forgot about this interview with the publicity team at Hachette I recorded back in May. It basically explains where I got the inspiration from ( this blog , thanks guys 😉 ) and what a Skimpy is and basically why they exist in the first place ( apart from many reasons men will always love beer and boobs – well most men.Obviously not gay men.Or arse men. Or men with foot fetishes .. but you get my point). There is a serious side to the Skimpy role in mining towns though. They provide much needed light entertainment at the end of a long shift, in an environment where most workers are thousands of km from their homes/ families/mates/etc. I’m not saying Skimpies fill the role of any of these things but they are a welcome distraction and sometimes even a bit of a connection to the outside world. I remember myself , stuck in Gove for a few months surrounded by flood water and feeling like I was in the most remote place on earth , even I looked forward to the girls flying in from the Gold Coast ! Especially since half of them would smuggle in 5 bags of Hungry Jacks from Cairns. You know your in the bush when a whole pub starts fighting over a 4 hour old Whopper ….

*UPDATE – The full interview with Hachette can be found here on their website .. the youtube clip below provides different content which is hopefully just as riveting !! hahaha   :p

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Categories: animals, Aussie pubs, Australian, book, bush, crocs, entertainment, humour | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Can’t Start A Fire Without A Spark ….


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Or Jiffys.

Or 3 newspapers and a can of petrol.

For a chick who spent two years living with Australia’s answer to Bear Grylls , my fire lighting skills are pretty pathetic. And up until now I didn’t really give a rats arse because I’ve either had electric heating or a boyfriend so I’ve never worried about getting a fire started. Now , however , I have moved into a riverside shack that gets quite cold in winter but comes with a cosy little fireplace. With no boyfriend in sight (I’ve had offers , don’t worry but I’m not into prison visits so I turned them all down) I have had to take matters into my own hands and start the bloody fire myself. I wouldn’t have thought it would be that difficult but I was wrong. Covered head to toe in ash ( I looked like a chimney sweep from the movie Mary Poppins) and swearing like a sailor, I finally got the fire burning.

Let me introduce you to Kel’s method of starting a fire.

 

Step one: Buy 2 packets of Jiffy fire starters , some chopped wood (if you are as useless as I am with a chainsaw then you will need to buy it from somewhere pre chopped ) 3 newspapers – not local , make sure you get a big , thick paper like the Herald Sun or The Daily Telegraph. Read it first if you have time  – may as well get your moneys worth.

Step two: Stack a couple of logs , both boxes of Jiffy’s and one and a half newspapers into the fireplace.

Step Three: Light the Jiffy’s and wait for the rest of the shit in the fireplace to catch on fire.

Step Four: Watch the Jiffy’s burn for fifteen minutes then extinguish without setting the rest of the crap on fire.

Step Five: Repeat steps 1,2 and 3 until the wood starts burning. If that fails, chuck some petrol* in there. Should do the trick….

*Follow these instructions at your own risk …I take absolutely no responsibility for anyone burning their house down or ending up in hospital…..

Categories: Australian, bush, entertainment, fire, funny, Humor, humour, lifestyle, newspaper, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Beer – The Aussie Response In Most Situations ….


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Aussie’s are tough buggers. We are more likely to get pissed with our mates when we have a problem than talk about it with a counselor or seek medical attention. Take this bloke I was reading about today as an example. He gets bitten by a brown snake , only one of the top ten most venomous snakes in the country ( and probably the world) and instead of causing a fuss , he dials himself an ambulance and then kicks back with a beer. Apparently the only problem he had was a bad reaction to the anti venom the hospital gave him. Maybe they should have just poured beer on the wound instead …

Anyway , for all the gory details check out this link

Categories: animals, Australian, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, lifestyle, newspaper | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

Writing My Way To Insanity ….


Its official. Writing a book is a fucking nightmare. I have been in this creative process for nearly 6 months now and its doing my head in ! My major issue is every time I think I’m nearly done I have another idea or I see something that could be written better or I change my mind about the content of an entire chapter and thank God I never sent the original version to anyone important … Its like having a baby except having a baby is a million times easier. I say this because most of the outcome when you have a baby is up to genetics and luck so the outcome is really out of your control, however if this book sucks it’s all my fault and I had total control over that. Talk about pressure.

The good news is the hard part – writing the actual stories down – is pretty much over and now its just a case of filling in a few gaps , editing and making sure the overall tone of the book stays the same. I’m learning a lot and it’s actually fun once I get into it. The problem is , how the hell will I ever be able to say I’m done ?? I can’t stop fiddling with it ! I leave a chapter for a week , go back and see a million ways I can make it better. I guess I’ll know when its time to leave it alone and hand it over to the big scary publishing world. They better fucking like it !! 😉

So that’s what I’ve been doing when I should have been updating my poor neglected blog with hectic , insane outback stories. I apologize for being so boring and promise I’ll be bringing back my special brand of crazy real soon …. Xx Kel

Ps. I thought I better post a funny pic to make up for my shitty blogging .. so here you go , a sheep on a motorbike !

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Categories: Australian, baby, bush, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, Photography | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Outback 2013 – A Year In Photos


 

 

I had to share this link to the ABC Rural website , which has posted some amazing photos taken in Outback Australia in 2013. Some of these brought back memories of my time in Arnhem Land especially this one with the kids floating in an Ice Cream freezer …

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I hope you guys enjoys these as much as I did ,

Cheers Kel Xx

 

Link and pics from http://www.abc.net.au

Categories: Arnhem Land, Australian, bush, entertainment, newspaper, Photography | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Holiday Re-cap ! Happy New Year From The Gumnut xx


Happy New Year !!

I’ve been a freakin’ ball of stress these last few weeks and very glad to see the new year ! My hectic December has been outlined in my ‘Baby Blog’ for anyone that want to laugh at my expense 😉

Wishing you all the best for 2014 , I will be back soon with some more outrageous Aussie bush stories Xx Kel

A Holiday Re-cap ! Happy New Year From The Gumnut xx.

Categories: Australian, baby, entertainment, funny, road trips, Travel | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

He Likes Pina Coladas , Dancing In The Rain and Long Walks On The Beach


He Likes Pina Coladas , Dancing In The Rain and Long Walks On The Beach

Despite the havoc the weather has caused across the state for the last month (first we had fires , then floods and storms, I was starting to think it was the Apocalypse for a moment there …) I managed to find a good news story about a horny Koala and his struggle to find love . Mr Koala was spotted perched on the edge of this jetty , trying to figure out how to get to Fenninghams Island where he could hear other male Koala’s fighting over females and obviously wanted a piece of the action. After a while he realized that his only option  was to swim over , thought ‘fuck that’ and climbed back up his tree . Typical bloke 😉

Categories: animals, Australian, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, newspaper, Photography, WTF | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Snakes On A Plane – Part 2 plus Skippy Might Look Cute And Cuddly – But He Can Fight Like A M*thaF*cka


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* The python that got caught on the wing of a plane leaving Cairns – the poor bugger didn’t make it 😦

Last year I wrote a post about a plane at Darwin Airport being hijacked by a snake , who had decided to take a tour of the cockpit. Apparently this is not an uncommon thing. Twice this year Quantas have discovered these reptile intruders hanging around their planes . The first time was a flight from the North Queensland town of Cairns , which is very similar in climate and wildlife to Darwin , so finding a Python on the plane was not as shocking as the second incident. Because the second incident happened in Sydney. Only the biggest city in Australia.  I mean , Cairns and Darwin are famous for this shit – it’s nothing to find crocodiles hanging out in swimming pools  or in your lounge room. In Darwin River I even had to share my shower with tree frogs , cane toads were a were always hiding under my shoes and don’t get me started on the bloody snake in the kitchen !

But this is Sydney people. What the hell was a snake doing hanging around Sydney airport ??? Anyway , whatever it was doing there it managed to get the flight cancelled and Quantas had to pay for 370 passengers to stay in motels then reschedule the flight all over a tiny snake that was about 20cm long (come to think of it , my kitchen snake was around the same size , but that thing was psychotic). 

Next up , for all of those people out there who go ‘Aw , a kangaroo , look how cute and cuddly he is !” Please read this article . The short story is these people live on a property near Grafton , NSW and their foster son was attacked in a matter of 2 minutes by a pissed-off kangaroo. The kid was lucky to survive because the roo would have been as big , if not bigger than him and the claws on those things could pretty much tear your guts out. Her husband had been attacked in the past , but standing over 6 ft tall , he was able to throw a few punches back and got away.

So you can add Kangaroo’s to the list of things that want to kill the shit out of you in good old Australia !

Here’s a funny clip that kinda shows you what the giant bunnies are actually capable of – and this guy was being nice !

Pic – smh.com.au

Categories: animals, Australian, bush, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, News | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Surfer Gets Smashed By Whale


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Photo: http://www.2dayfm.com.au

Yesterday the internet was flooded with reports of a man surfing in Bondi Beach getting flipped off his board by a massive whale the size of a small truck …..

The man is alive and well , recovering in hospital where he gave about 437 interview cause that’s what you need after you just got hit in the face with a whale tail :/ poor bloke !

Apparently the man , Dr Bishan Rajapakse a doctor for the emergency department of the Woolongong hospital was surfing amid a bunch of other surfers when they saw the whale approach them. The doc looked at his tail and remembers thinking ‘ wow this thing could knock us all out” .. then he woke up on the sand. The doctor treating Dr Rajapaske said he was ” the luckiest emergency room doctor to end up in the emergency room ” . I could think of luckier ones , like the doctors who are just there doing their shift but anyway , I get the point he is trying to make …

Here’s a vid of the whale in action

For some reason I could only find a British news version on you tube so , thanks BBC !! 🙂

For the full ( more serious ) article with a shitload more factual info check out http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au

 

Categories: animals, Australian, entertainment, Humor, humour, random, video, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Close Encounter


Holy shit guys ! I just had a gander at the latest news from the territory and what I saw gave me goosebumps …

Up until a month or two ago I lived in Darwin River which is about 5km away from Berry Springs , a popular swimming hole that I used a lot during summer last year. There is a waterfall part with a shallow rock-pool which is where I usually beached myself on a rock and then there is a deeper pool further along. I remember I only swam in that pool once for about a minute before I got that creepy vibe and swam back to the shallows. I have always hated swimming in water if I cant see what is underneath me so I just assumed I was being a weirdo  … Then earlier this year I decided to take Marli for a walk down in the park next to the creek. We were halfway around a 1km circuit when the track got swamp-like and streams of water were flowing across the path. An eerie feeling came over me and I  bolted down the track pushing the pram as fast as I could until I got back to dryer land. Again I just put it down to a paranoid mind and decided to give the walking track a miss until dry season.

It turns out I may not have been paranoid after all. The article I came across today reckons that on Saturday afternoon a group of teenage boys were snorkeling down in the lower pool of the springs when one of the boys saw a saltwater croc about 3 meters long slide into the water. The boys tried to warn other swimmers but most of them laughed it off thinking the boys were joking. Croc sightings in the Top End are no joke my advice to anyone reading this planning on going up for a visit , don’t swim in water that is not crystal clear , don’t swim alone and if someone tells you there is a croc in the water get the fuck outta there. Id rather look like a bit of an idiot than have my head ripped off by a giant lizard 😉

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Not my choice of swimming buddy …….

Pic – http://www.news.com.au

Original story thanks to http://www.ntnews.com.au

Categories: animals, Australian, bush, crocs, entertainment, News, newspaper, Only in the Territory | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

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