bush


The Australian Outback is full of hidden treasures .. The opal fields in Coober Pedy , the inland sea in South Australia , the waterfalls in Litchfield National Park …. Annnnnnnnd a penis shaped termite mound on the side of the Arnhem Highway

penis.jpegPic by NT News photographer Elise Derwin

You can read original story by NT News here

 

 

 

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Categories: Arnhem Land, bush, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, Only in the Territory, WTF | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Skimpy – Explained


Its ten days until the official release of my book , Skimpy ; Outrageous true tales of crocs , snakes and pulling beers in the Topend through Hachette Australia and excited is one word to describe how I’m feeling at the moment. After 2 years of tweaking , and wondering if my efforts would ever see the light of day , the last few months have been a whirlwind. Which is probably why I forgot about this interview with the publicity team at Hachette I recorded back in May. It basically explains where I got the inspiration from ( this blog , thanks guys 😉 ) and what a Skimpy is and basically why they exist in the first place ( apart from many reasons men will always love beer and boobs – well most men.Obviously not gay men.Or arse men. Or men with foot fetishes .. but you get my point). There is a serious side to the Skimpy role in mining towns though. They provide much needed light entertainment at the end of a long shift, in an environment where most workers are thousands of km from their homes/ families/mates/etc. I’m not saying Skimpies fill the role of any of these things but they are a welcome distraction and sometimes even a bit of a connection to the outside world. I remember myself , stuck in Gove for a few months surrounded by flood water and feeling like I was in the most remote place on earth , even I looked forward to the girls flying in from the Gold Coast ! Especially since half of them would smuggle in 5 bags of Hungry Jacks from Cairns. You know your in the bush when a whole pub starts fighting over a 4 hour old Whopper ….

*UPDATE – The full interview with Hachette can be found here on their website .. the youtube clip below provides different content which is hopefully just as riveting !! hahaha   :p

Categories: animals, Aussie pubs, Australian, book, bush, crocs, entertainment, humour | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Can’t Start A Fire Without A Spark ….


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Or Jiffys.

Or 3 newspapers and a can of petrol.

For a chick who spent two years living with Australia’s answer to Bear Grylls , my fire lighting skills are pretty pathetic. And up until now I didn’t really give a rats arse because I’ve either had electric heating or a boyfriend so I’ve never worried about getting a fire started. Now , however , I have moved into a riverside shack that gets quite cold in winter but comes with a cosy little fireplace. With no boyfriend in sight (I’ve had offers , don’t worry but I’m not into prison visits so I turned them all down) I have had to take matters into my own hands and start the bloody fire myself. I wouldn’t have thought it would be that difficult but I was wrong. Covered head to toe in ash ( I looked like a chimney sweep from the movie Mary Poppins) and swearing like a sailor, I finally got the fire burning.

Let me introduce you to Kel’s method of starting a fire.

 

Step one: Buy 2 packets of Jiffy fire starters , some chopped wood (if you are as useless as I am with a chainsaw then you will need to buy it from somewhere pre chopped ) 3 newspapers – not local , make sure you get a big , thick paper like the Herald Sun or The Daily Telegraph. Read it first if you have time  – may as well get your moneys worth.

Step two: Stack a couple of logs , both boxes of Jiffy’s and one and a half newspapers into the fireplace.

Step Three: Light the Jiffy’s and wait for the rest of the shit in the fireplace to catch on fire.

Step Four: Watch the Jiffy’s burn for fifteen minutes then extinguish without setting the rest of the crap on fire.

Step Five: Repeat steps 1,2 and 3 until the wood starts burning. If that fails, chuck some petrol* in there. Should do the trick….

*Follow these instructions at your own risk …I take absolutely no responsibility for anyone burning their house down or ending up in hospital…..

Categories: Australian, bush, entertainment, fire, funny, Humor, humour, lifestyle, newspaper, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Writing My Way To Insanity ….


Its official. Writing a book is a fucking nightmare. I have been in this creative process for nearly 6 months now and its doing my head in ! My major issue is every time I think I’m nearly done I have another idea or I see something that could be written better or I change my mind about the content of an entire chapter and thank God I never sent the original version to anyone important … Its like having a baby except having a baby is a million times easier. I say this because most of the outcome when you have a baby is up to genetics and luck so the outcome is really out of your control, however if this book sucks it’s all my fault and I had total control over that. Talk about pressure.

The good news is the hard part – writing the actual stories down – is pretty much over and now its just a case of filling in a few gaps , editing and making sure the overall tone of the book stays the same. I’m learning a lot and it’s actually fun once I get into it. The problem is , how the hell will I ever be able to say I’m done ?? I can’t stop fiddling with it ! I leave a chapter for a week , go back and see a million ways I can make it better. I guess I’ll know when its time to leave it alone and hand it over to the big scary publishing world. They better fucking like it !! 😉

So that’s what I’ve been doing when I should have been updating my poor neglected blog with hectic , insane outback stories. I apologize for being so boring and promise I’ll be bringing back my special brand of crazy real soon …. Xx Kel

Ps. I thought I better post a funny pic to make up for my shitty blogging .. so here you go , a sheep on a motorbike !

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Categories: Australian, baby, bush, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, Photography | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Outback 2013 – A Year In Photos


 

 

I had to share this link to the ABC Rural website , which has posted some amazing photos taken in Outback Australia in 2013. Some of these brought back memories of my time in Arnhem Land especially this one with the kids floating in an Ice Cream freezer …

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I hope you guys enjoys these as much as I did ,

Cheers Kel Xx

 

Link and pics from http://www.abc.net.au

Categories: Arnhem Land, Australian, bush, entertainment, newspaper, Photography | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Snakes On A Plane – Part 2 plus Skippy Might Look Cute And Cuddly – But He Can Fight Like A M*thaF*cka


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* The python that got caught on the wing of a plane leaving Cairns – the poor bugger didn’t make it 😦

Last year I wrote a post about a plane at Darwin Airport being hijacked by a snake , who had decided to take a tour of the cockpit. Apparently this is not an uncommon thing. Twice this year Quantas have discovered these reptile intruders hanging around their planes . The first time was a flight from the North Queensland town of Cairns , which is very similar in climate and wildlife to Darwin , so finding a Python on the plane was not as shocking as the second incident. Because the second incident happened in Sydney. Only the biggest city in Australia.  I mean , Cairns and Darwin are famous for this shit – it’s nothing to find crocodiles hanging out in swimming pools  or in your lounge room. In Darwin River I even had to share my shower with tree frogs , cane toads were a were always hiding under my shoes and don’t get me started on the bloody snake in the kitchen !

But this is Sydney people. What the hell was a snake doing hanging around Sydney airport ??? Anyway , whatever it was doing there it managed to get the flight cancelled and Quantas had to pay for 370 passengers to stay in motels then reschedule the flight all over a tiny snake that was about 20cm long (come to think of it , my kitchen snake was around the same size , but that thing was psychotic). 

Next up , for all of those people out there who go ‘Aw , a kangaroo , look how cute and cuddly he is !” Please read this article . The short story is these people live on a property near Grafton , NSW and their foster son was attacked in a matter of 2 minutes by a pissed-off kangaroo. The kid was lucky to survive because the roo would have been as big , if not bigger than him and the claws on those things could pretty much tear your guts out. Her husband had been attacked in the past , but standing over 6 ft tall , he was able to throw a few punches back and got away.

So you can add Kangaroo’s to the list of things that want to kill the shit out of you in good old Australia !

Here’s a funny clip that kinda shows you what the giant bunnies are actually capable of – and this guy was being nice !

Pic – smh.com.au

Categories: animals, Australian, bush, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, News | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Feral Cats ?? Are You Sure They Aren’t Lions ??


In the latest news from Arnhem Land , NT special ” catting” dogs are being brought into Central Arnhem Land to combat the feral cat problem that is currently out of control in the area.

The cats , which look more like jungle cats , are growing up to 20kgs , and killing anything they can get their hands on. The Australian Wildlife Conservancy will provide special dogs which will chase the cats up trees so the rangers can tranquillize them and fit GPS collars on them to track them. Which means they are catching these cats and then releasing them BACK into the wild. I’m not sure what information they are hoping to get from this or how it will help. It seems pretty straightforward to me. They are a feral animal , a pest and a killer of native animals. They are all having far too much sex and way too many babies. So I would suggest culling them. Or we could catch every single cat and desex it I suppose … I mean come on what else are you going to do about it ?!

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Photo – http://www.news.com.au ( also on http://www.ntnews.com.au )

Story info from both http://www.news.com.au and http://www.ntnews.com.au

Categories: animals, Arnhem Land, bush, entertainment, News, Only in the Territory | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Close Encounter


Holy shit guys ! I just had a gander at the latest news from the territory and what I saw gave me goosebumps …

Up until a month or two ago I lived in Darwin River which is about 5km away from Berry Springs , a popular swimming hole that I used a lot during summer last year. There is a waterfall part with a shallow rock-pool which is where I usually beached myself on a rock and then there is a deeper pool further along. I remember I only swam in that pool once for about a minute before I got that creepy vibe and swam back to the shallows. I have always hated swimming in water if I cant see what is underneath me so I just assumed I was being a weirdo  … Then earlier this year I decided to take Marli for a walk down in the park next to the creek. We were halfway around a 1km circuit when the track got swamp-like and streams of water were flowing across the path. An eerie feeling came over me and I  bolted down the track pushing the pram as fast as I could until I got back to dryer land. Again I just put it down to a paranoid mind and decided to give the walking track a miss until dry season.

It turns out I may not have been paranoid after all. The article I came across today reckons that on Saturday afternoon a group of teenage boys were snorkeling down in the lower pool of the springs when one of the boys saw a saltwater croc about 3 meters long slide into the water. The boys tried to warn other swimmers but most of them laughed it off thinking the boys were joking. Croc sightings in the Top End are no joke my advice to anyone reading this planning on going up for a visit , don’t swim in water that is not crystal clear , don’t swim alone and if someone tells you there is a croc in the water get the fuck outta there. Id rather look like a bit of an idiot than have my head ripped off by a giant lizard 😉

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Not my choice of swimming buddy …….

Pic – http://www.news.com.au

Original story thanks to http://www.ntnews.com.au

Categories: animals, Australian, bush, crocs, entertainment, News, newspaper, Only in the Territory | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Dirty Jobs Comes to Arnhem Land !!


Mike and his team braved ‘dangerous roads’ to get to a small community on a place called Blue Mud Bay ( Dave’s stomping ground , or so he tells me ! )
Anyway , I was in stitches because these guys were taken out to learn traditional Aboriginal hunting and fishing skills – and had no idea what the hell was going on half the time . This is mostly due to the fact that they couldn’t understand the local lingo , but also because when you go out bush you don’t exactly stick to a set schedule – something Mike seemed to have difficulty with .. ( hey try travelling with Dave , you think your headed to Sydney and you end up in Perth hahaha ). Anyway here is a small clip from You Tube and some links to the full episode on the Discovery Channel . If you have time check it out its great viewing 🙂

http://dsc.discovery.com/tv-shows/dirty-jobs/videos/stingray-special.htm

 

Categories: animals, Arnhem Land, Australian, bush, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, Only in the Territory, Travel, video | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Despite The Name , Sometimes The Bush Really Pisses Me Off


There are so many things I have to write about at the moment. As the end of ‘wet season’ comes to an end ( what a joke , I think it rained 5 times ?! ) the crocs up here in the topend are moving around more and can be found just about anywhere you turn. So there have been ‘ croc attacks’ ( one guy got bitten on the head apparently , but still survived to tell the NT news all about it another guy appeared on the front page last week after he was ‘attacked’ by a croc which was all of 1 meter long ..  ) and  heaps of croc sightings . But I have been too busy dealing with my own life threatening situations to think up witty blog posts to go with the above news stories.

It all started with this:

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Now we don’t normally go around shooting snakes , but this bugger was headed for Chaos’s bed and the outside loo so he had to go . Luckily for us Maisy is more switched on than Chaos and went banana’s when she saw the snake. Chaos just kept snorin’ away in ignorant bliss …..

Unfortunately Maisy wasn’t so bright a few nights later when what I thought was a bikini string came to life on my kitchen floor

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I had just put Marli down and walked into the kitchen on my way to the toilet. I noticed a shiny looking string on the tiles and thought it had come out of a dress or bikini top. But something made me stop when I went to pick it up. So I stood on the other side of the kitchen and threw random crap from the kitchen bench at it until it jumped and started slithering towards me with its head raised looking a tad bit pissed off ….. This is the point when I realized just because I live in the bush doesn’t mean I am any good at dealing with situations that involve venomous animals. So I ran outside in my knickers and called Dave who was never going to be able to help because he was on the other side of the country at a wedding. So I yelled at him for 5 minutes , hung up , called a girlfriend who had just finished a massive Sunday session and could not legally drive anywhere. Out of options I called the pub up the road and luckily for me the barmaid felt sorry for me and sent her boyfriend over to get rid of the snake ( which turned out to be called a Bandy Bandy ).

The boyfriend tried to remove the snake without killing it but by this stage it was well and truly pissed off and ended up getting decapitated.

Not even two weeks later my mother flew up to help out with Marli and after a shopping trip we were walking across the lawn when I noticed the stick I was about to step on had eyes …. My Mum was so brave , she grabbed a crow bar and smacked it over the back but we’re not sure if she killed it or not because it freaked out and headed for the garden bed … I haven’t seen it since …..

Categories: animals, Australian, bush, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, News, newspaper, Only in the Territory, Photography, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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