crocs

Skimpy – Explained


Its ten days until the official release of my book , Skimpy ; Outrageous true tales of crocs , snakes and pulling beers in the Topend through Hachette Australia and excited is one word to describe how I’m feeling at the moment. After 2 years of tweaking , and wondering if my efforts would ever see the light of day , the last few months have been a whirlwind. Which is probably why I forgot about this interview with the publicity team at Hachette I recorded back in May. It basically explains where I got the inspiration from ( this blog , thanks guys ūüėČ ) and what a Skimpy is and basically why they exist in the first place ( apart from many reasons men will always love beer and boobs – well most men.Obviously not gay men.Or arse men. Or men with foot fetishes .. but you get my point). There is a serious side to the Skimpy role in mining towns though. They provide much needed light entertainment at the end of a long shift, in an environment where most workers are thousands of km from their homes/ families/mates/etc. I’m not saying Skimpies fill the role of any of these things but they are a welcome distraction and sometimes even a bit of a connection to the outside world. I remember myself , stuck in Gove for a few months surrounded by flood water and feeling like I was in the most remote place on earth , even I looked forward to the girls flying in from the Gold Coast ! Especially since half of them would smuggle in 5 bags of Hungry Jacks from Cairns. You know your in the bush when a whole pub starts fighting over a 4 hour old Whopper ….

*UPDATE РThe full interview with Hachette can be found here on their website .. the youtube clip below provides different content which is hopefully just as riveting !! hahaha   :p

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Categories: animals, Aussie pubs, Australian, book, bush, crocs, entertainment, humour | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Darwin Awards ……


Today’s blog post is possible thanks to a good mate of mine who pointed out a news story from¬† last week that is waaaaaay to funny not to blog about …

As usual , this story has come from Darwin , Australia’s most laid back capital city. So laid back that instead of climbing up and down flights of stairs to unload a truck , the workmen decided to do this instead :

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Pic – http://www.news.com.au ( who pinched it off http://www.ntnews.com.au ūüėČ )

According to the NT News , who first reported the shenanigans on their Facebook page , when asked what was going on the answer was “the blokes got sick of going downstairs to the truck for stuff, so they brought the truck to the work site.” Fair enough. They dont call it the “Darwin Awards’ for nothing I suppose …

In other NT related news , Dave sent me a text telling me to check out the nine news Darwin website . I did and it was so awful I am not posting the video I saw on my site .. If anyone wants to see it click here . 

Basically it just shows footage of some blokes pig-hunting with a pack of dogs . The dogs were pulling the pig out of the water and one of the hunters was in the middle of the pack , in the water filming the whole thing when a MASSIVE saltwater croc jumped out of the water , passed behind the blokes back and snatched one of the dogs .. there was obviously nothing anyone could do and I found it pretty upsetting. What really baffled me though , was when one of the blokes was being interviewed and he said “There was no sign of crocs , it just came out of nowhere”. For someone who is supposed to be an experienced hunter living in the Territory , that is a pretty fucking stupid thing to say. You only have to live up north for a week to realize crocs could be ANYWHERE and of course you don’t see them , that’s their whole hunting tactic !!! They hide underwater until you get close enough then they eat you. Who the fuck doesn’t know that ? And these blokes were wading around in murky water in what looks like croc-ville and they were surprised to see a croc ? Must of just moved to Darwin the day before …

Anyway , again I warn people , crocodiles are everywhere in the topend of Australia , you can even find them in your lounge room. Never assume your safe and always check with locals before you get in the water …..

References : http://www.ntnews.com.au , news.com.au , http://www.ninemsn.com.au

 

Categories: animals, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, News, Only in the Territory, Photography, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Close Encounter


Holy shit guys ! I just had a gander at the latest news from the territory and what I saw gave me goosebumps …

Up until a month or two ago I lived in Darwin River which is about 5km away from Berry Springs , a popular swimming hole that I used a lot during summer last year. There is a waterfall part with a shallow rock-pool which is where I usually beached myself on a rock and then there is a deeper pool further along. I remember I only swam in that pool once for about a minute before I got that creepy vibe and swam back to the shallows. I have always hated swimming in water if I cant see what is underneath me so I just assumed I was being a weirdo¬† … Then earlier this year I decided to take Marli for a walk down in the park next to the creek. We were halfway around a 1km circuit when the track got swamp-like and streams of water were flowing across the path. An eerie feeling came over me and I¬† bolted down the track pushing the pram as fast as I could until I got back to dryer land. Again I just put it down to a paranoid mind and decided to give the walking track a miss until dry season.

It turns out I may not have been paranoid after all. The article I came across today reckons that on Saturday afternoon a group of teenage boys were snorkeling down in the lower pool of the springs when one of the boys saw a saltwater croc about 3 meters long slide into the water. The boys tried to warn other swimmers but most of them laughed it off thinking the boys were joking. Croc sightings in the Top End are no joke my advice to anyone reading this planning on going up for a visit , don’t swim in water that is not crystal clear , don’t swim alone and if someone tells you there is a croc in the water get the fuck outta there. Id rather look like a bit of an idiot than have my head ripped off by a giant lizard ūüėČ

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Not my choice of swimming buddy …….

Pic – http://www.news.com.au

Original story thanks to http://www.ntnews.com.au

Categories: animals, Australian, bush, crocs, entertainment, News, newspaper, Only in the Territory | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Despite The Name , Sometimes The Bush Really Pisses Me Off


There are so many things I have to write about at the moment. As the end of ‘wet season’ comes to an end ( what a joke , I think it rained 5 times ?! ) the crocs up here in the topend are moving around more and can be found just about anywhere you turn. So there have been ‘ croc attacks’ ( one guy got bitten on the head apparently , but still survived to tell the NT news all about it another guy appeared on the front page last week after he was ‘attacked’ by a croc which was all of 1 meter long ..¬† ) and¬† heaps of croc sightings . But I have been too busy dealing with my own life threatening situations to think up witty blog posts to go with the above news stories.

It all started with this:

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Now we don’t normally go around shooting snakes , but this bugger was headed for Chaos’s bed and the outside loo so he had to go . Luckily for us Maisy is more switched on than Chaos and went banana’s when she saw the snake. Chaos just kept snorin’ away in ignorant bliss …..

Unfortunately Maisy wasn’t so bright a few nights later when what I thought was a bikini string came to life on my kitchen floor

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I had just put Marli down and walked into the kitchen on my way to the toilet. I noticed a shiny looking string on the tiles and thought it had come out of a dress or bikini top. But something made me stop when I went to pick it up. So I stood on the other side of the kitchen and threw random crap from the kitchen bench at it until it jumped and started slithering towards me with its head raised looking a tad bit pissed off ….. This is the point when I realized just because I live in the bush doesn’t mean I am any good at dealing with situations that involve venomous animals. So I ran outside in my knickers and called Dave who was never going to be able to help because he was on the other side of the country at a wedding. So I yelled at him for 5 minutes , hung up , called a girlfriend who had just finished a massive Sunday session and could not legally drive anywhere. Out of options I called the pub up the road and luckily for me the barmaid felt sorry for me and sent her boyfriend over to get rid of the snake ( which turned out to be called a Bandy Bandy ).

The boyfriend tried to remove the snake without killing it but by this stage it was well and truly pissed off and ended up getting decapitated.

Not even two weeks later my mother flew up to help out with Marli and after a shopping trip we were walking across the lawn when I noticed the stick I was about to step on had eyes …. My Mum was so brave , she grabbed a crow bar and smacked it over the back but we’re not sure if she killed it or not because it freaked out and headed for the garden bed … I haven’t seen it since …..

Categories: animals, Australian, bush, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, News, newspaper, Only in the Territory, Photography, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Reptile Kingdom Has a New King ……


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Today was a proud day for the Northern Territory. A day that I’m predicting will spark many , many arguments between North Queensland and the Top end of the Northern Territory. No it’s not the election , no one gives a rats arse about that , it is the news that Filipino croc Lolong has gone to crocodile heaven ( ew can you imagine that for a moment … nope not a happy place … ) and left ‘our’ Cassius (pictured) with the title of the Worlds Largest Croc in captivity. The fact that Cassius lives and has lived in Queensland since 1987 is not important to the Northern Territory. What is important is that it was here he was found chewing on boat propellers and other non appropriate food items before being shipped off to spend the rest of his life in a small swimming pool on Green Island , North Queensland. It will be interesting to see how the Queensland media responds to the NT laying claim to the croc they refer to as a ‘Queenslander’ – watch this space !

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Picture credit : Courier Mail ( Brisbane )

Top Picture credit http://www.news.com.au

 

Categories: animals, Australian, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, News, Only in the Territory | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Christmas in the City


I have been out of the ‘bush’ for 6 weeks now .. and still hate the traffic !! I arrived in Melbourne over a week ago to start the Christmas celebrations with my family(s) . Over a week and a half we celebrate with 3 Christmas dinners – I’m going to look like a stuffed Turkey by New Years Eve !! As I haven’t been in the Territory for 6 weeks I haven’t had much to report on Kels Gone Bush but I can tell you if you are trying to get in or out of East Arnhem Land this week you will have to take a boat with you just in case !! Yep it is officially wet season and the rains are a comin !! Dave was supposed to hit Darwin last night after leaving Gove NT yesterday in our land cruiser ute with his tinny on the back. I received a frantic call from one of his mates this morning , who told me that Dave had called him at 1am from the satellite phone and before he could figure out what Dave was saying the phone died. Awesome news when you are in Melbourne and can do absolutely nothing about the situation ! After calling the bush police and sending a few Facebook messages to locals in Gove we finally heard from him at 2pm as he was arriving in Katherine NT. He thought we were both bloody idiots for worrying but even though he is one of the most capable males I have met , he is still human and those river crossings are not the safest in Australia – if only because of the flash flooding and oodles of crocodiles !! Any-hoo he made it out alive which is all I care about at this point.

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* Taken on the central Arnhem Hwy last year for the NT News http://www.ntnews.com.au

I will be flying back to the Territory on Boxing day and cant wait to bring you all another year of crazy sh*t from the outback ūüėČ I have big plans for Kels Gone Bush next year and am hoping that the baby motivates me more than stops me from carrying them out.¬† Until then I wish you all a VERY Merry Christmas , and a safe one … Bring on 2013 it is going to be even bigger and better !!!! Love to everyone Xx Kel

Categories: boat, bush, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, newspaper, Only in the Territory, road trips | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Crazy Pic of The Week


 

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A saltwater crocodile takes on a helicopter – according to the website I found this on the crewman said to the pilot “Keep your doors closed , I think we have a problem !”

You think ??

Pic thanks to http://www.2dayfm.com.au

 

Categories: crocs, entertainment, funny, Humor, Machinery, motor sports, Photography, WTF | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

A Pool Party Is Not Complete Without a Saltie …….


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In true Territory style , the under 12 Litchfeild Bears Rugby team celebrated the fact they have made it to the semi finals this year with a pool party – and among the guests was a 11-year-old 2 meter long saltwater croc called Snappy.¬† The kids had the time of their lives swimming with a real live croc who had his snout safely shut with rubber bands . Poor Snappy tried to hide in the deep end ( he must love under 12 rugby teams about as much as I do ..) but the kids were not going to let him get away easily , diving down and pushing the pissed off croc back up to the surface . According to one of the parents , the kids “loved it , everyone had big smiles on”…. well except Snappy who probably would have been smiling if those rubber bands slipped off his snout !!

 

Pic and info : http://www.ntnews.com.au

Categories: crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, lifestyle, News, Only in the Territory, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Wildlife Around Here Are Starting To Get A Bit Fancy …..


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Todays front page of the NT News www.ntnews.com.au

The northern Territory is a magical place full of awesome landscapes , beautiful sunsets , golden opportunities and some fucking crazy animals.

The other day , a couple in Howard Springs , just south of Darwin , woke to find a water buffalo roaming around their property. Despite being pretty bloody dangerous , this buff seemed quiet tame and the lady of the house was able to pat the beast .. well until it started headbutting her as what she hoped was a sign of affection ….

After a while they had to head off to work and assumed the Buffalo had left the property by the time they arrived home.

Wrong.

They arrived home that evening to find the Buff had taken a fancy to their spa !

This seems to happen a lot up here , animals thinking that if its good enough for humans then they should get a go too¬†. Earlier this year¬†I wrote a post about a croc who broke into the living room¬†of a Darwin based family and 2 years ago a croc was found in another family’s outdoor spa.

So the moral of the story is be very wary entering your home or your pool if you live in the Territory – you never know what might be lurking in there !

Categories: Australian, bush, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, News, newspaper, Only in the Territory, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Update on the Cracker up The Clacker – And a Croc gets a Taste of His Own Medicine …… Just Another Day in The Territory !


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Pic : wallcoo.net

I thought I owed it to you guys to bring you the conclusion to the story of the bloke who shoved a lit¬†fire cracker in his bum¬†not so long ago. It was reported in the NT News today that he would not be charged for the incident as the police feel¬†he has suffered enough – for once I agree with them. I am really thinking about contacting this guy for a kel style interview but I’m not sure how he will react – apparently he is not keen on any interviews about the firecracker in the bum thing. Not sure why …

Moving right along we had another classic NT news story today. The headline was – I kid you not – ” Man bites croc¬†on snout after croc¬†bites another mans head”¬† Some men were fishing in croc¬†infested waters and one was in the water doing god knows what ( I’m not into fishing , can you tell ??) when a croc¬†leaped out of the water and grabbed him by the head pulling him under the waves. The rest of the story involves one of his mates biting the reptile on the snout whilst his other mate stabbed the croc¬†repeatedly with a screw driver as the croc¬†kept losing and then regaining his grip on the poor fisherman who was in the middle of all the drama. In the end the croc¬†gave up and swam off to eat a barramundi or something and the injured fisherman lived to see another day , surprisingly with all his limbs intact.

Just another day in the Northern Territory !

Categories: Australian, boat, bush, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, fishing, funny, Humor, News, newspaper, Only in the Territory, random, WTF | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

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