WTF

Can’t Start A Fire Without A Spark ….


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Or Jiffys.

Or 3 newspapers and a can of petrol.

For a chick who spent two years living with Australia’s answer to Bear Grylls , my fire lighting skills are pretty pathetic. And up until now I didn’t really give a rats arse because I’ve either had electric heating or a boyfriend so I’ve never worried about getting a fire started. Now , however , I have moved into a riverside shack that gets quite cold in winter but comes with a cosy little fireplace. With no boyfriend in sight (I’ve had offers , don’t worry but I’m not into prison visits so I turned them all down) I have had to take matters into my own hands and start the bloody fire myself. I wouldn’t have thought it would be that difficult but I was wrong. Covered head to toe in ash ( I looked like a chimney sweep from the movie Mary Poppins) and swearing like a sailor, I finally got the fire burning.

Let me introduce you to Kel’s method of starting a fire.

 

Step one: Buy 2 packets of Jiffy fire starters , some chopped wood (if you are as useless as I am with a chainsaw then you will need to buy it from somewhere pre chopped ) 3 newspapers – not local , make sure you get a big , thick paper like the Herald Sun or The Daily Telegraph. Read it first if you have time  – may as well get your moneys worth.

Step two: Stack a couple of logs , both boxes of Jiffy’s and one and a half newspapers into the fireplace.

Step Three: Light the Jiffy’s and wait for the rest of the shit in the fireplace to catch on fire.

Step Four: Watch the Jiffy’s burn for fifteen minutes then extinguish without setting the rest of the crap on fire.

Step Five: Repeat steps 1,2 and 3 until the wood starts burning. If that fails, chuck some petrol* in there. Should do the trick….

*Follow these instructions at your own risk …I take absolutely no responsibility for anyone burning their house down or ending up in hospital…..

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Categories: Australian, bush, entertainment, fire, funny, Humor, humour, lifestyle, newspaper, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

He Likes Pina Coladas , Dancing In The Rain and Long Walks On The Beach


He Likes Pina Coladas , Dancing In The Rain and Long Walks On The Beach

Despite the havoc the weather has caused across the state for the last month (first we had fires , then floods and storms, I was starting to think it was the Apocalypse for a moment there …) I managed to find a good news story about a horny Koala and his struggle to find love . Mr Koala was spotted perched on the edge of this jetty , trying to figure out how to get to Fenninghams Island where he could hear other male Koala’s fighting over females and obviously wanted a piece of the action. After a while he realized that his only option  was to swim over , thought ‘fuck that’ and climbed back up his tree . Typical bloke 😉

Categories: animals, Australian, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, newspaper, Photography, WTF | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Darwin Awards ……


Today’s blog post is possible thanks to a good mate of mine who pointed out a news story from  last week that is waaaaaay to funny not to blog about …

As usual , this story has come from Darwin , Australia’s most laid back capital city. So laid back that instead of climbing up and down flights of stairs to unload a truck , the workmen decided to do this instead :

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Pic – http://www.news.com.au ( who pinched it off http://www.ntnews.com.au 😉 )

According to the NT News , who first reported the shenanigans on their Facebook page , when asked what was going on the answer was “the blokes got sick of going downstairs to the truck for stuff, so they brought the truck to the work site.” Fair enough. They dont call it the “Darwin Awards’ for nothing I suppose …

In other NT related news , Dave sent me a text telling me to check out the nine news Darwin website . I did and it was so awful I am not posting the video I saw on my site .. If anyone wants to see it click here . 

Basically it just shows footage of some blokes pig-hunting with a pack of dogs . The dogs were pulling the pig out of the water and one of the hunters was in the middle of the pack , in the water filming the whole thing when a MASSIVE saltwater croc jumped out of the water , passed behind the blokes back and snatched one of the dogs .. there was obviously nothing anyone could do and I found it pretty upsetting. What really baffled me though , was when one of the blokes was being interviewed and he said “There was no sign of crocs , it just came out of nowhere”. For someone who is supposed to be an experienced hunter living in the Territory , that is a pretty fucking stupid thing to say. You only have to live up north for a week to realize crocs could be ANYWHERE and of course you don’t see them , that’s their whole hunting tactic !!! They hide underwater until you get close enough then they eat you. Who the fuck doesn’t know that ? And these blokes were wading around in murky water in what looks like croc-ville and they were surprised to see a croc ? Must of just moved to Darwin the day before …

Anyway , again I warn people , crocodiles are everywhere in the topend of Australia , you can even find them in your lounge room. Never assume your safe and always check with locals before you get in the water …..

References : http://www.ntnews.com.au , news.com.au , http://www.ninemsn.com.au

 

Categories: animals, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, News, Only in the Territory, Photography, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Surfer Gets Smashed By Whale


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Photo: http://www.2dayfm.com.au

Yesterday the internet was flooded with reports of a man surfing in Bondi Beach getting flipped off his board by a massive whale the size of a small truck …..

The man is alive and well , recovering in hospital where he gave about 437 interview cause that’s what you need after you just got hit in the face with a whale tail :/ poor bloke !

Apparently the man , Dr Bishan Rajapakse a doctor for the emergency department of the Woolongong hospital was surfing amid a bunch of other surfers when they saw the whale approach them. The doc looked at his tail and remembers thinking ‘ wow this thing could knock us all out” .. then he woke up on the sand. The doctor treating Dr Rajapaske said he was ” the luckiest emergency room doctor to end up in the emergency room ” . I could think of luckier ones , like the doctors who are just there doing their shift but anyway , I get the point he is trying to make …

Here’s a vid of the whale in action

For some reason I could only find a British news version on you tube so , thanks BBC !! 🙂

For the full ( more serious ) article with a shitload more factual info check out http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au

 

Categories: animals, Australian, entertainment, Humor, humour, random, video, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Despite The Name , Sometimes The Bush Really Pisses Me Off


There are so many things I have to write about at the moment. As the end of ‘wet season’ comes to an end ( what a joke , I think it rained 5 times ?! ) the crocs up here in the topend are moving around more and can be found just about anywhere you turn. So there have been ‘ croc attacks’ ( one guy got bitten on the head apparently , but still survived to tell the NT news all about it another guy appeared on the front page last week after he was ‘attacked’ by a croc which was all of 1 meter long ..  ) and  heaps of croc sightings . But I have been too busy dealing with my own life threatening situations to think up witty blog posts to go with the above news stories.

It all started with this:

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Now we don’t normally go around shooting snakes , but this bugger was headed for Chaos’s bed and the outside loo so he had to go . Luckily for us Maisy is more switched on than Chaos and went banana’s when she saw the snake. Chaos just kept snorin’ away in ignorant bliss …..

Unfortunately Maisy wasn’t so bright a few nights later when what I thought was a bikini string came to life on my kitchen floor

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I had just put Marli down and walked into the kitchen on my way to the toilet. I noticed a shiny looking string on the tiles and thought it had come out of a dress or bikini top. But something made me stop when I went to pick it up. So I stood on the other side of the kitchen and threw random crap from the kitchen bench at it until it jumped and started slithering towards me with its head raised looking a tad bit pissed off ….. This is the point when I realized just because I live in the bush doesn’t mean I am any good at dealing with situations that involve venomous animals. So I ran outside in my knickers and called Dave who was never going to be able to help because he was on the other side of the country at a wedding. So I yelled at him for 5 minutes , hung up , called a girlfriend who had just finished a massive Sunday session and could not legally drive anywhere. Out of options I called the pub up the road and luckily for me the barmaid felt sorry for me and sent her boyfriend over to get rid of the snake ( which turned out to be called a Bandy Bandy ).

The boyfriend tried to remove the snake without killing it but by this stage it was well and truly pissed off and ended up getting decapitated.

Not even two weeks later my mother flew up to help out with Marli and after a shopping trip we were walking across the lawn when I noticed the stick I was about to step on had eyes …. My Mum was so brave , she grabbed a crow bar and smacked it over the back but we’re not sure if she killed it or not because it freaked out and headed for the garden bed … I haven’t seen it since …..

Categories: animals, Australian, bush, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, News, newspaper, Only in the Territory, Photography, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Top Headlines So Far For 2013 ….


 

Since , as I explained in my last post , I am officially brain-dead due to pregnancy and extreme heat I have decided to entertain you all with my favorite headlines from the Northern Territory so far this year ….

First up , when watermelons can be dangerous ……

 

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After arguing with the bus driver over the fare , the man was kicked off the bus but not before he smashed a watermelon over the bus driver’s head in front of his 4 kids who I’m guessing also missed out on the bus ride thanks to their awesome Dad …..

 

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But the next day the bus driver had the last laugh !

 

Also on the subject of using food as weapons , a pensioner who had his parking skills criticized by a truck driver (who according to the NT news had commented “nice park cockhead “) lost the plot and threw his iced coffee at the bloke before laying into him with his fists . The pensioner was charged with assault after he contacted the truckies workplace to complain .. maybe he should have kept his mouth shut because he was the one who ended up in court with a 2 month suspended sentence ….

 

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Maybe all this aggro is due to the extreme heat we have been dealing with for the last 5 months … I will leave you all with this article which justifies my laziness and the general public’s ‘Mango Madness’ …. We are goin’ troppo up here in the tropics !!!!!

 

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I will be back soon with some more crazy Territory shizzle , hopefully we get a Croc story this week its been a while !

Xx Kel

*Articles from http://www.ntnews.com.au

Categories: cops, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, News, newspaper, Only in the Territory, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Crazy Pic of The Week


Crazy Pic of The Week

OK so lets just ignore the fact that I’m not very good at updating my crazy pics weekly and just appreciate the Australian Outback s version of Bikini Babes …

Categories: Australian, bush, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, Photography, road trips, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Just Busy Crossing A Continent and Stuff ….


Last Tuesday the 13th of November I decided to go for a little drive to see my parents . 4 days later I got there .
I wrote a little while ago about not being able to find anywhere for Chaos and Mayhem to spend Christmas. I called every boarding kennel in town only to be told there was no room ( already this was starting to take on a Christmassy theme !! ) . So my next option was to try to get them on the plane with me as baggage ( I wouldn’t tell them that to their faces though .. ) This was possible to do but not at the price they were going to charge me … so my last option was to drive me and the two poochies down to Albury NSW myself – in a 93 model Suzuki Swift hatchback.

Making the best of a not so ideal situation I  entered us all in the Triple J / ABC Open Road Trip Relay which is taking place over summer Australia wide. Since I was driving through the middle of the Australian desert I had Queen of The Desert car stickers and T-shirts made up by an awesome company in Darwin called Gecko Signs  (you can check out their website here ) .

The day before I left I was contacted by Triple J and ABC to talk about my trip and they asked me to film some legs of my journey and edit it with a thing called time-lapse ( I can turn a computer on , type and even Google stuff but that my friends is as tech savvy as Kel gets .. ). So Dave stuck the camera on the dashboard for me with Velcro and I recorded the Stuart Highway from Katherine onwards until I ran into technical difficulties just past Coober Pedy and had to abort the mission. So for anyone who is interested , I have hours of fascinating footage of road , sky and desert.

I did however get some great stuff from the random roadhouses on the side of the lonely old Stuart Highway :

Posing with my old mate .. see if you can find me !

I wrote about this particular pub months ago in this post . I mentioned at the time it has the highest bar in the Northern Territory .. here is my ‘proof’

The highest bar in the Northern Territory

A service station at Wycliffe Well , UFO capital of Australia ( I kid you not )

Wycliffe well .. UFO capital of Australia

And in Stuart Well I found Dinky the Singing dingo who is also a very talented piano player – I have a video clip for you guys but this will be posted separately – this K9 deserves his very own post !!

*The article is about Donna the ‘hearing’ guide dingo being brought up to the NT ( by train .. she had her own seat ! ) to meet Dinky , the singing dingo .

We couldn’t resist getting into the fun and games at the last pub ( or the first depending on which direction you are headed ! ) in the Northern Territory ( Kulgera Roadhouse/pub/caravan park ) …

Chaos , Mayhem and Kel

I also met a few interesting characters on the way including a chap from Coober Pedy who was actually involved in shooting ‘ Priscilla , Queen of The Desert years ago when it was filmed in the outback . He loved my car and we have kept in touch via Facebook since. I also interviewed a young fellow from Mataranka for the Road Trip relay comp but after interviewing him I’m not quite sure he actually was a local .. thoughts that were pretty much confirmed as I ran into them at nearly every petrol station after Mataranka until I hit Port Augusta in South Australia . Oh well at least he pretended on film which is the main thing 😉

* My ‘stalkers’ outside a Coober Pedy servo.

Unlike the last time I crossed the country when I had to sleep in my troopy on the side of the road , this time around I booked hotel and caravan park accommodation along the way . Again the highlight was Coober Pedy where I slept in an ‘ underground camp site ‘ which was really just a motel bed in a cave :

There was also little cave like spots for people to pitch a tent for the night .. underground .. yep made no bloody sense to me either but apparently that’s how they roll in the desert ..

I thought this particular tent was a display of what it was like in the old days so I was snapping away happily at 630am until I heard a loud cough from inside the tent .. woops …

And finally the last pic of this little motel tour , the front entrance to our digs

This was my last night in the desert before I crossed over to NSW and Victoria , spending my last night on the road in a little town called Broken Hill. It was a great trip and the dogs did a great job of not pissing me off too much .. Chaos has been all over Australia ( except Western Australia and Tasmania ) but this was little Mayhem’s first trip anywhere .. she was a natural ..

* Maisie finds her comfort zone in the car.

In between naps she would climb up behind the back seat and launch herself kamikaze style at Chaos’s head . It kept them amused …..

Until next time !!

Cheers

Kel xx

Categories: animals, Aussie pubs, Australian, bush, cars, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, lifestyle, Photography, random, road trips, Travel, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Crazy Pic of The Week


 

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Dave and I went for a bush – bash in his ‘cruiser through our new property .. And came face to face with this goofy looking termite mound

Pic : Taken by us ! 🙂

 

Categories: Australian, bush, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, Only in the Territory, Photography, random, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Crazy Pic of The Week


 

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A saltwater crocodile takes on a helicopter – according to the website I found this on the crewman said to the pilot “Keep your doors closed , I think we have a problem !”

You think ??

Pic thanks to http://www.2dayfm.com.au

 

Categories: crocs, entertainment, funny, Humor, Machinery, motor sports, Photography, WTF | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

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