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Posts Tagged With: Darwin

Workin’ Hard Behind The Scenes .. Sneak Preveiw … Kels Gone Bush , The Novel !!!


If anyone has been following the NT news without my prompting then you will know by now there has been a couple of croc attacks up there lately plus some awesome events I have failed to write about.  The reason I didn’t say anything about the croc attacks , well one in particular which involved alcohol and a man that has been living in the Territory his whole bloody life , was because what the hell can you say ? Someone that should of known better got taken by a croc while trying to cross the Mary River , only the one of the worlds most croc infested waterways as I pointed out in this post.   I feel pretty bad for his family and the people that were down there that day with their kids and witnessed the whole thing. I do feel bad for the bloke but my first thought admittedly is ‘what the fucking hell was he drinking ?!” You would have to give me general anesthetic before I would get in that particular river …

The second reason my writing has slowed down on my blog is because I finally got my arse into gear and have nearly finished my book , based on my blog and my adventures in the NT . I have a long way to go before I can say I’m done though , as its a first draft and needs a few changes but the hard part , getting everything written down , is nearly over ! Yay ! I have already gone back to earlier chapters and started the editing and re-writing process and in early October my latest obsession is booked in with a professional editor which is nerve wracking but very exciting and I cant seem to focus on much else at the moment. So because I have neglected to entertain you with my Territory news updates , here is the latest chapter of my book – this chapter is not complete but its a first draft and its based on my last house in Darwin River . Please tell me what you think as I need the feedback when I go back and do the second draft ! 🙂 I’m sure there are a few spelling and grammer error’s which I haven’t picked up yet – they will be fixed up at the end so please dont think I’m illiterate ! I’ve just been more focused on the story structure 🙂

Latest Chapter – Untitled ( suggestions welcome haha )

One day , at the end of September 2012 , while I was sitting around home growing fatter , Dave called from work. “Kel , remember my mate Jim , you know the one with the Flindstone House ?” he asked me.

“Yeah , how could I forget?” I replied . We had visited Jim a few months earlier in his ‘Flindstone House’ in Darwin River just before he moved down to Hay , NSW to be with his new girlfriend. He was quite a character and lived in a house that had been built out of rocks , cement and probably a whole heap of shit stolen from building sites. Well by the look of it he didn’t pay much for the building materials anyway. “ Why , what about him ?”

“He’s got no one living in his house at the moment and wants to know if we would be keen on movin into the joint’.

Fuck yeah , was the pope a Catholic ? Do bears shit in woods ? I’d of moved there that afternoon if I was able to. The place might have been built out of whatever Jim could get his hands on for little or no money but it was out on a 50 acre property , about 10 kms up the road from my favourite swimming hole , Berry Springs in a little town called Darwin River. The house itself wasn’t too bad despite the fact that it basically a glorified shed. Jim had rendered the inside walls to give it a cave like effect and the kitchen was huge , separated from the lounge room and main bedroom by big glass sliding doors which allowed the lounge room to stay cool while leaving the kitchen completely open. There was a front and back verandah and the house was surrounded by large trees and landscaped gardens ( which surprised me because considering the state of the house the gardens were perfectly maintained.) The bathroom was under the back verandah and it was also built out of cement and rocks , keeping the cave theme going . There were about 5 tree frogs living in the shower and a cane toad usually cowering in the corner down the bottom. The toilet was also outdoors and it was pretty open , meaning that you could sit on the loo with a great sunset view of the paddocks with flies buzzing around your head , a dog trying to climb on your lap and a frog up your arse. ( The frogs lived INSIDE the loo and every now and then you would have one trying to climb out while you were doing your business.)

Despite all of this or , more accurately , because of all this , I jumped at the opportunity to move out there. I didn’t really need to be in town as Id be leaving the radio job soon anyway ( The morning sickness went way past 4 months and I was struggling to sound bubbly at 7 am when really all I wanted to do was lie next to the loo with a cold washer and some soda water till 10 am every day).

We moved out to the property a couple of weeks later and when I say ‘we moved’ I mean Dave and his mate moved all the stuff while I watched them . Hey I was pregnant , I had to get some kind of perks out of the situation. Besides , it was the beginning of the ‘build up’ , the hottest muggiest time of year up in Darwin , and , at 5 ½ months pregnant with morning sickness until at least 11 am , I was about as useful as tits on a bull , as the the saying goes. But the boys did a great job and I did my bit by buying them rum and cooking them dinner afterwards. Well actually , I didn’t quite cook , I bought a BBQ chicken , some salad and bread rolls but the point is they got fed.

 

Shortly after we moved in to our new home , Mayhem arrived. Literally. Our new puppy , Mayhem or Maisie for short , was part of my plan to help Chaos deal with the little Gumnut ( as I nicknamed my bump ). I figured that if he had another dog around it would help him deal with the fact he is no longer the centre of my world. It didn’t quite work like that at first though. Chaos was not happy with Maisie’s arrival at all. He wasn’t aggressive towards her but would simply walk out of the room if she walked in. If she tried to play with him he would turn away from her or get up and move. I was convinced he would never accept her. But within two weeks I caught him being nice to her in the garden while he thought no one was looking. For some reason if he knew I was there he would go back to being a total arsehole to her again. I felt sorry for her but she didn’t seem to mind. Once she got a bit bigger she started lording it over him so much I started feeling sorry for him instead. She absolutely adored Chaos and had to be on practically on top of him at all times. The poor bastard had no privacy any more and his bed was no longer his own. She seemed to take up the best part of it and Id find him lying on the concrete next to it half the time , having given up on the idea of getting his bed to himself ever again. ***

Living in the middle of the bush means you have to be prepared to share your accommodation with the local wildlife. The night we moved in , we had a bloke staying there that had been looking after the place for Jim while he had no one living in it. He ha been there for a few weeks and gave me some tips about the place to help me settle in. ‘At night , you might hear a few strange noises , but dont worry , its just the possums in the roof , nothing to worry about. Its definitely not a ghost or anything …” he explained t me over dinner that night. I just looked at him with an amused expression on my face and went along with him . He had obviously had no idea I knew the back story to that particular piece of advice ….. The story goes , after his first couple of nights staying at the house alone he called Jim up sounding a tiny bit stressed.

“ Mate , theres some weird noises in the roof at night , I cant figure out what it is .. its got me a bit worried”.

“ Oh yeah , no ,dont worry about that , there was an old bloke living there before me , he died in the place , he moves around a bit at night” Jim lied to him.

“What the fuck ? Mate are you serious ?” Our Pommie friend was freaking right out as Jim confirmed his suspicions that he had been sharing the place with a ghost.

“He wont bother you , just put some earplugs in and try not to piss him off I spose …” Eventually , after about a week Jim must of felt sorry for him and told him the truth – the only things that had died in that house were cane toads and bush rats because here he was , reassuring me that there were definitely no ghosts on the property.

To be perfectly honest sometimes I would of preferred to share the house with a grumpy old ghost than the wildlife I seemed to be tripping over from the moment I got out of bed. I felt like Dr DoLittle . I’d have a shower with an audience of 5 tree frogs and I hate to say it but showering with a cane toad at my feet is now perfectly normal to me. He became my little shower buddy. He’d hear me coming and hop to the corner and I would make sure I stuck to my half of the shower.

There were snakes everywhere including my kitchen. I walked out one night to get a drink and saw a strange looking piece of rope on the ground. I thought it might have been a bikini string because it was shiny with black and white stripes. But something stopped me from picking it up. My primal instincts told me to stand at the opposite side of the room and throw things at it instead. Good move because after I threw a steak knife at its head , the piece of rope came to life and was very , very pissed off. I freaked out and ran outside , grabbing my mobile on my way and called Dave , who was about 2500kms away at the time “ Dave there’s a fucking snake in the kitchen , I don’t know what to do , it came right at me with its head raised , all pissed off and shit ..” I was nearly in tears and freaking right out. I had only just masterd the art of killing huntsmans and even then , I needed half a can of Mortein to get the job done.

“ Its ok Kel ”, Dave tried to calm me down “ just get a broom and push it out the door”.

“ A broom ?” I replied “ A fucking broom ? You want me to sweep the pissed off snake up with a brrom ? Are you crazy ? What if it bites me ? I have no fucking idea what kind of snake it is ! How will I get to the hospital ? Drive myself ?? Oh my God , I cant do this , its a snake , I dont do snakes !”

“Kel , calm down , I cant do anything from here can you call Steve up and get him around to help ?”

Steve was one of his mates , who lived half an hour away. He had also just moved an Irish backpacker into the family home while his wife was in hospital giving birth to their first child so I wasnt actually speaking to him myself.

“Im not calling that dickhead , Id rather sleep in the car , don’t worry , Ill call Terri , she might be braver than me.” Terri was a workmate and one of my closest mates. She has come to my rescue more than once while Dave has been away but usually the crisis involved one of the land cruisers , not a potentially deadly reptile. As it turned out she had been having a Sunday session that afternoon with her boyfriend and as much as the Dutch courage probably would of helped her move the snake , there was no way she could drive. I had no other option but to call the local pub.

 

The barmaid was very sympathetic to my situation and promptly sent her boyfriend over to the house to get rid of my intruder. By this stage I had calmed down enough to go back inside and when I saw the snake , which was now curled up the corner near the kitchen sink , I was slightly embarrassed. The snake was the size of a large worm. Ok maybe a bit bigger but not much. When the guy from the pub arrived , I sheepishly pointed out the snake and asked him to try and move it to the garden because I didn’t want it to die , it looked so cute all coiled up in the corner.

 

Cute . Ha ! The snake went absolutely ballistic when the bloke from the pub tried to scoop it up with an empty pizza box. It started thrashing itself around , bouncing around the kitchen floor like it was possessed. “See !” I exclaimed “ That’s why I was shitting myself before , the bloody thing is mental !”

My hero was not looking as confident as when he first walked in and ended up dancing around the kitchen , dodging the psychotic snake , every now and then making a half hearted attempt to get it to jump onto the pizza box. Finally he gave up on getting the snake out alive and grabbed a broom , decapitating my uninvited guest and ending the great’ Dance of the Snake”. He went to throw it into the garden as I originally asked him to do , albeit slightly less alive than I had intended. “Wait , I gotta get a photo !” I told him and took a few happy snaps to show Dave when he got home. Which I wish I hadn’t done because to this day if I mention the snake intrusion in front of him he pisses himself laughing and say ‘snake ? Don’t you mean earthworm ??”

 

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Categories: entertainment | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Christmas in the City


I have been out of the ‘bush’ for 6 weeks now .. and still hate the traffic !! I arrived in Melbourne over a week ago to start the Christmas celebrations with my family(s) . Over a week and a half we celebrate with 3 Christmas dinners – I’m going to look like a stuffed Turkey by New Years Eve !! As I haven’t been in the Territory for 6 weeks I haven’t had much to report on Kels Gone Bush but I can tell you if you are trying to get in or out of East Arnhem Land this week you will have to take a boat with you just in case !! Yep it is officially wet season and the rains are a comin !! Dave was supposed to hit Darwin last night after leaving Gove NT yesterday in our land cruiser ute with his tinny on the back. I received a frantic call from one of his mates this morning , who told me that Dave had called him at 1am from the satellite phone and before he could figure out what Dave was saying the phone died. Awesome news when you are in Melbourne and can do absolutely nothing about the situation ! After calling the bush police and sending a few Facebook messages to locals in Gove we finally heard from him at 2pm as he was arriving in Katherine NT. He thought we were both bloody idiots for worrying but even though he is one of the most capable males I have met , he is still human and those river crossings are not the safest in Australia – if only because of the flash flooding and oodles of crocodiles !! Any-hoo he made it out alive which is all I care about at this point.

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* Taken on the central Arnhem Hwy last year for the NT News http://www.ntnews.com.au

I will be flying back to the Territory on Boxing day and cant wait to bring you all another year of crazy sh*t from the outback 😉 I have big plans for Kels Gone Bush next year and am hoping that the baby motivates me more than stops me from carrying them out.  Until then I wish you all a VERY Merry Christmas , and a safe one … Bring on 2013 it is going to be even bigger and better !!!! Love to everyone Xx Kel

Categories: boat, bush, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, newspaper, Only in the Territory, road trips | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Broome Part 2 : Kellie Vs Camel


I have just returned to Darwin after 2 glorious weeks in sunny Broome WA , which was pretty much the same as sunny Darwin NT except the locals reckon there are no crocs on the beach. This made Dave laugh when I told him so to be safe I just stuck a toe or 2 in the water’s edge then freaked out and ran back up the sand dunes .. like the tough bushwoman I am 😉

We worked 6 days a week and had both Sunday’s off , which was when we decided to do our tourist crap. The first week we were taken to a couple of local beaches only accessible by 4wheel drive

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Price Point , 1/2 hour drive from Broome. They are planning to build a gas plant out here which the hippy’s and locals are not happy about . They have been camped out here for months protesting …

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Next stop , the town beach where I thought Id use my creativity and pose with a rock ..

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And finally got a lift home in the back of a Troopy which was a slightly better version of my old one …

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The next Sunday was our last day in Broome. We decided to mark the occasion by going on a camel ride which I thought everyone in Broome did but apparently not. All the locals were like ” What do you wanna ride a bloody camel for ? You should go to the croc farm” to which I replied “What would I want to see a bloody croc for ? I live in Darwin!”

Anyway here are the camel riding pics , it was a gorgeous sunset ride .. Our camels name was Issacc just in case your interested 😉

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Ruby , Issacc and I

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Awesome sunset

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Adios Amigo’s .. oh shit that’s Spanish ! Sayin goodbye Territory Style !!

Categories: Australian, crocs, entertainment, funny, Humor, lifestyle, Photography, road trips, Travel | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Crazy Pic of The Week


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My friends from WA , Kristy (pictured) and Leah found some of Darwin’s hottest bachelor’s !!!

Sorry I have not been very punctual with the crazy pics – they are supposed to be published weekly and I think I have missed the last 2 weeks all together !! Well I do have my reason’s…

A) In order to write this blog I need to get out there and do shit so I can write about it .. otherwise I may as well just post link’s to a NT tourism site and be done with it ..

B) I am still hard at work getting my event planning bizo up and running ( hard when everyone around you run’s on Territory Time ).

C) I have decided to take a fellow blogger’s advice ( Kathy from Reinventing the Event Horizon) who suggested after a post I wrote that I turn my stories into a book .. which isn’t quite happening yet however I have written 1034 words so far , so , you know , I’m on my way 😉

As well as all this soon I plan to have a Vlog section of my blog which will basically show me , making a dick of myself , in front of the entire world .. lucky for me I’m willing to sacrifice my dignity for my art :p I also haven’t forgotten my promise (threat) to start publishing recipe’s .. this WILL happen as soon as I get my appetite back ( I have been a bit crook over the past few days – the last thing I felt like doing was cooking). So keep an eye out for Croc Kebabs and Roo Burgers coming soon …..

Ok so I probably sound like I’m taking on way too much at once but that’s how I roll .. Life would be too bloody boring otherwise 😀

Categories: Australian, bush, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, Only in the Territory, Photography, random, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Darwin Before Dawn


Hi Guys ! Its been so long between posts and I miss my blog so much !!! I have been happily surprised with visits from friends and family in the last 2 and a half weeks so I have a lot of reading and writing to catch up on !

I will start with these pics I took a couple of weeks ago. I had dropped Dave off at the airport and was hanging around Darwin city waiting to start work. For some reason I thought it would be awesome to take photos of lights , in the dark , with an ordinary camera – oh yeah and I must also mention how shitty the flash is. So in a moment of what I thought was creative genius I took several photos thinking how awesome they would look and maybe I should change careers … then I loaded them on to the computer.

Lets just say if you were on acid you might agree I am a fucking genius. Otherwise you will probably just wonder if I was the one on acid that morning ……

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Darwin Plaza

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Trees with lights …. Smith st Mall

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Traffic lights on Cavenagh St

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City bus pulling into its stop

I can tell you right now , if Darwin had a coffee shop that was open before 630 am these photos wouldn’t exist ! And they call it a city .. pfft what ever

I will finish this off with a teaser for my next post , the day I took my brother to on the Adelaide River Queen ….

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All photos taken by Yours Truly 😉

Categories: art, Australian, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, lifestyle, Only in the Territory, Photography, random, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Crazy Pic of The Week


I don’t know where this pic came from but I love it !! A bit behind this week , I usually post these on Mondays but due to an unexpected visit from a mate of mine I was a little too drunk to operate a computer yesterday ….

Categories: bush, crocs, entertainment, funny, Humor, random, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

They Probably Should of Checked the Pubs First …..


An old bloke by the name of Douglas Pyne went missing early Saturday morning , leaving the caravan park he lived in Howard Springs ( about 40 km from Darwin ) and announcing to everyone around that he was planning to walk to Palmerston. This is where I must add this old guy is actually 95 yrs old , Palmerston is a fair hike from Howard springs , and its between 25 and 30 degrees Celsius with no shade in that area … so this did concern locals who reported him missing … I’m not sure why , he had just told them where he was going …. but anyway after a day long search he turned up at the Wisdom bar and nightclub which is right in the heart of Darwin ( he obviously was very ambitious or someone has given him a lift as he well and truly bypassed Palmerston !). Another patron spotted him having a beer with his walking frame parked safely next to him and alerted police that he was safe and well. Cant a man go for a beer in peace ???? !!

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Source http://www.ntnews.com.au

 

Categories: Aussie pubs, Australian, cops, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, Only in the Territory, random, road trips, Travel, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The 3 Wheeled Troopy


 

My troopy is on its deathbed. As I mentioned in a previous post , I have been having major dramas with the rear axle which keeps popping out. Its like my troopy is a transformer and every 3 weeks it transforms itself into a bloody tripod !

 

I think Ron White tells the story better .. he seems to have similar dramas !

 

 

The last time this happened to me ( a week ago ) Dave welded the axle in .. lets see how long this lasts !

 

* Sorry for the lazy posts this week , I have my favorite (only) brother in town visiting Darwin for the first time so I am a tour guide this week .. will be back to normal (as normal as I can be ) next week *

Categories: Australian, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, Machinery, Only in the Territory, random, road trips, Travel, WTF | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Crazy Pic of The Week


Apart from crocodiles and sharks , the lifeguard’s attire on Casuarina beach is another good reason why I avoid Darwin beaches …..

 

Pic http://www.ntnews.com.au

Categories: Australian, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, Only in the Territory, random, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Nudie Rudies , Talking Cats , Drunken Parrots and Dogs Driving Buses .. Its all here Today Folks


Hi guys today I am bringing you the top ten  craziest story’s I have heard and seen around the Territory.

1. First I have a video that was taken last year and supplied to the NT news. It shows a couple of Darwin lovers gettin it on the balcony of their apartment , providing entertainment for tourists and city workers below. Check it out …….

2. Staying on the topic of public nudity the Deputy Mayor of Palmerston was accused by two teenage girls of causing offense with his apparent ‘public nudity’. The guys name is Geoff Carter , 65yrs old , he is also the founding member of The Australian Army Band , Darwin. And is now publicly branded a pervert. The poor guy was in his own bedroom , probably getting dressed at the time .. but the fact it was made national news means he will forever be remembered as ‘The Naked Deputy Mayor”

Pic and news source http://www.ntnews.com

3. Former NT man Dr David Bowman made the ridiculous suggestion that we should introduce “Mega Fauna” AKA Elephants and other gigantic beasts into the Northern Territory and other outback areas to reduce the risk of fires caused by Gamba Grass , a type of grass that is so high Buffalo’s and cows cant reach it . This is stupid for a few reasons the main one being that it’s not really in the interest of public safety to have wild ‘Mega Beasts” roaming the streets….. Also , the cane toads were introduced here for similar reasons , now we cant get rid of them and they are more of a problem than a solution …. (source http://www.abc.net.au ).

Pic conservenature.org

4. A guy gets shot by his mate whilst being eaten by a saltwater croc .. yes that’s a true story although not as bad as it sounds. The 2 crocodile farm worker’s were collecting croc eggs from a remote NT station when one was attacked by a saltwater croc. The other guy grabbed a shotgun  aimed and fired at the crocodile  accidentally shooting his mate in the arm in the process. All ended well though , the croc let go and disappeared and after a few days it was work at usual for both men.

Zac Fitzgerald , the man who saved his mate in action at work: pic NT news

5. Drunken parrots are seen falling from the skies in the Darwin area every dry season. The birds are thought to be getting drunk after eating a mystery plant that then renders them unable to fly. For more on the drunken parrots check out this link

6. Woodley the dog had the ride of his life when he decided to take his masters double-decker bus for a ride in Darwin last year. A shop assistant passing by could not believe his eyes and quickly chased the bus down . He managed to pull the hand brake on before the bus hit a parked car. Woodley’s owner explained that the dog watches him put the handbrake on and off and was just copying him. Apparently this has happened before …. And I thought Chaos was alone ..

Pic http://www.thedailytelegraph.com

7. This little boy is in my opinion , a magician. I have no idea how he got into this vending machine but it took the Fire Brigade to get him out!

Pic: http://www.ntnews.com.au

8. This 5 legged cane toad was found by Dylan Wells, 11, of Berrimah and the 5th leg is attached to his chin .. makes me worry about drinking the water up here !

Pic http://www.ntnews.com

9. Last year one smart NT tradie handed himself into police after breaking into the Hidden Valley Tavern (coincidentally also where I work part-time ).  The reason the man handed himself in was because he recognized his bum crack on the cctv footage reported on the news. He was so drunk he cant remember the robbery. You can check out the footage here ..

10. This is the story that more crazy than anything else I have read in any newspaper. Ever.  Last year it was reported that there were concerns the Territory’s talking cat , Mischief, had been abducted by aliens. Yes Im deadly serious folks. Siberian air-traffic controllers claimed a female-sounding alien spoke to them in a cat-like language.  It turned out to be ok , Mischeif was safe and sound at home with his owners.

So there you have it folks – but this is not the end of my crazy tidbits from the Territory , I’m sure I will find ten more very soon …

Categories: Arnhem Land, Aussie pubs, Australian, bush, cops, crocs, Darwin, entertainment, funny, Humor, humour, lifestyle, Machinery, Only in the Territory, random, Travel, WTF | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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