Or 3 newspapers and a can of petrol.
For a chick who spent two years living with Australia’s answer to Bear Grylls , my fire lighting skills are pretty pathetic. And up until now I didn’t really give a rats arse because I’ve either had electric heating or a boyfriend so I’ve never worried about getting a fire started. Now , however , I have moved into a riverside shack that gets quite cold in winter but comes with a cosy little fireplace. With no boyfriend in sight (I’ve had offers , don’t worry but I’m not into prison visits so I turned them all down) I have had to take matters into my own hands and start the bloody fire myself. I wouldn’t have thought it would be that difficult but I was wrong. Covered head to toe in ash ( I looked like a chimney sweep from the movie Mary Poppins) and swearing like a sailor, I finally got the fire burning.
Let me introduce you to Kel’s method of starting a fire.
Step one: Buy 2 packets of Jiffy fire starters , some chopped wood (if you are as useless as I am with a chainsaw then you will need to buy it from somewhere pre chopped ) 3 newspapers – not local , make sure you get a big , thick paper like the Herald Sun or The Daily Telegraph. Read it first if you have time – may as well get your moneys worth.
Step two: Stack a couple of logs , both boxes of Jiffy’s and one and a half newspapers into the fireplace.
Step Three: Light the Jiffy’s and wait for the rest of the shit in the fireplace to catch on fire.
Step Four: Watch the Jiffy’s burn for fifteen minutes then extinguish without setting the rest of the crap on fire.
Step Five: Repeat steps 1,2 and 3 until the wood starts burning. If that fails, chuck some petrol* in there. Should do the trick….
*Follow these instructions at your own risk …I take absolutely no responsibility for anyone burning their house down or ending up in hospital…..